Home Stretch

I've finally hit the home stretch!  All my friends have gotten their bar results and mine come in less than a month.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I'm one of those people who has never taken compliments well.  There a number of possible psychological reasons for it.  I've never given it much thought before now.  People have called me out for it.  I just try to say thank you and move on.

But as bar results loom ever closing, the issue creeps into my mind.  Not because I'm pondering my own vanity, but because the thing I need to hear most of all right now, is that, pass or fail, it's all going to be okay.

Now think about that statement.  I have realized that I need affirmation that regardless of whether I succeed of fail, I'm going to be okay.  Things are going to be okay.  People are still going to be okay with me.

If that statement is true, why would I think that?  How would it impact the rest of my psyche?

And how is it relevant to my inability to accept compliments?

If I need affirmation that when I fail, it's going to be okay...maybe my brain thinks compliments are proof that things are only okay when I succeed.

Compliments are, by their nature, contingent on good things.  I love getting compliments, but I don't react well to it.  I've simply come to the conclusion that I fear one day failing, letting people down, and no longer being okay.  Which makes me shy away from them.  Because I fear failure.  I'm a perfectionist who fears the day I am no longer perfect.

Nothing stands out to me from my freshman year of college more than the day I went to visit my old high school, told them where I was enrolled, and one of my teachers said, "Oh, you went there? I thought you were going somewhere cool..."

Nothing.

I was an 18-year-old kid, an overachiever, who felt like she was told she was a failure.  I'm pretty sure she apologized and I laughed it off or something, but that's the only part of the interaction I remember.

So if that kind of negativity makes me uncomfortable, so too should the ultra positivity that are compliments.

Anyway, more ramblings from a stressed law grad.  All born out of the thought that I would love a card or flowers or something from my mom that said "Good luck and remember I love you no matter what."

Because I need that reassurance.  I need that affirmation.

I'm a perfectionist who can't accept and frets over the day everyone walks away.

Stupid maybe, but that's my reality.

So next time you compliment something and think they're being a bitch, please don't call them out for it unless you know they really are just being a bitch.

Cause some of us are really sensitive and stressed out.  And believe me, if we could change that, we would.

Just a penny for my thoughts.

All my love!