How do you figure out what you're good at?
No, wait. That's the wrong question. How do you know what you're not bad at? What you wouldn't hate? What wouldn't cause you endless sleepless nights because you can't handle it?
How do you figure out what to do with your life?
Four years ago, I graduated from a four-year university with a bachelors in history. I loved it. But I was scared of going further in the field. The only way to be a historian is to write and get published. I didn't know if I could do that. So I went to law school.
I graduated a year ago.
Before all that, I went to a decent private school. I had teachers that loved me and pushed me. I had parents that wanted the best for me.
Everything about my white, suburban, middle-class life said I was destined to succeed.
Eight years post high school, four years post college, one year post law school, and I'm working as a glorified secretary.
I told one of my friends about it and he thought I was joking. He then remarked, "aren't you like horrendously overqualified."
Yes and no.
I'm working in a law office. So the lingo is familiar, the pace isn't surprising, and the stress is overwhelming.
Everything I realized I wanted to avoid one year into law school.
Only I stayed. I am a proud person. I believed I was supposed to be successful. I believed I was incapable of failure. I didn't know how to tell all the people who had helped me over the years, loved me, supported me, that it wasn't enough. That I wasn't enough. That I couldn't hack it.
So I stayed. A second year. Then a third. I graduated near the bottom of my class. I never got my final ranking. Didn't need the gloom that was sure to follow.
But I thought I had made it. I had gotten out of my home state. I had finished a successful internship with the District Attorney's office I wanted to work at. I was scheduled to take the bar exam. I was enrolled in a prep course. Everything my life had lead to was coming to fruition.
Then bar prep started and I finally realized the truth.
I really was doomed.
I could not hack it. I couldn't deal with the stress of the knowledge that a single three day exam, with no real world relevancy, focusing on all my worst parts of law, would determine my future.
I failed. Twice.
I still maintain that I would actually be a decent lawyer. I'm good with people. I have a decent court room presence. I know how to keep the judge happy. I maintain good relationships with my co-workers and counsel opposite. I enjoy prepping for trial. I enjoy the research. The legal questions fascinate me.
But I no longer hold any belief that I could ever pass a bar exam. I am a practical lawyer. A trial lawyer. I don't do books and memorization. I like double-checking. I hate civil law. I love evidence. I'm too focused in constitutional law.
But the evidence part of the bar exam? Well, if you have too much practical knowledge, you tend to answer the questions the wrong way. There wasn't a question I didn't know the answer to. But it was one of my worst scores.
The essays? The examiners pulled from two areas of law that hadn't be tested in about seven and twenty years respectively. They asked about commercial paper, oil and gas, and other civil niche areas of law.
The only part I passed was the only practical part of the exam, the MPT. Go figure. The only bit of the exam that has any relevance to the real world because in the MPT, you draft real world briefs, arguments, and memos.
So I moved back in with my mother. A friend offered me a job as her assistant. And here I am. Crying every time I catch myself thinking. Lost. With absolutely no idea where to go next.
I thought about sports compliance, but, so far, not even a call back.
I thought about teaching, but I don't know if I can even afford to do alternate route.
I thought about another degree, but I wouldn't know what to study.
I thought about dance, I can't afford the certification.
I thought about foreign service, but I don't know if I can deal with my current reality for up to two more years (that's assuming I even pass the entrance exam).
I enjoy helping people. I love learning new things. Music makes me happy. Camaraderie of sports is intoxicating. I'm good at psychology.
I'm not particularly patient. People tell me I'm too much of a people pleaser. I'm rather anti-social. I have an obsessive personality.
And I have no idea what to do next. I just turned 26. I'm working a dead end job. And I have no idea what else to try.
I could keep applying for the same things, but no one's called me back yet and nothing has changed. I need new ideas. Ideas I can do. I can't go back and do college again. I don't have the luxury of scholarships to study new things. I have ever-growing debt as a result of my decision to stay in law school.
And I know I've turned into a statistic. Too many law graduates have similar troubles. The job market sucks. We have a higher rate of suicide and depression than the general public. People crack under the pressure. More and more attorneys are quitting altogether.
I don't want to practice law. Being away from it for a year and now working as a legal assistant, I'm sure. The angry people, the drama, the sadness, the hours, the fighting, the stress, the unpredictability of it all.
So anyway, I'm stuck. I'll keep looking, because I have to. I'll keep trying, because there is no other choice. But I'm not optimistic (law school has apparently seen to that according to this article apparently).
My parting words will be a bit of advice. Don't rush into graduate school. Do the research I didn't do. Don't be so sure you'll pay off your massive amounts of debt with a high salary job. Enjoy school and learning. Learn everything you can. About every topic possible. You never know what could come in handy. You don't have to be inspired, maybe just intrigued. Something that you won't hate.
Life is short and then you die. Find some way to enjoy it. Because getting stuck in a rut is the worst. And they're much harder to get out of than you'd expect.
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